I am at the beginning of a 3 month course to become a Bereavement doula. Yes, I would be at a stillbirth or at a miscarriage. No, it won't be easy. But, things need to change.
I met a lady, the other day, who has a friend who's baby boy died 14 years ago. My baby girl died 25 years ago, I told her. She then told me, after I told her about my training, that another friend had a stillbirth 2 weeks ago but, she didn't know about it until she ran into the friend the other day. She said "I didn't know what to say so, I hugged her and let her cry" I told her that was the best thing she could do. Grieving moms (and dads) don't want to be told "you can have another baby" or "you'll get over it" or, the worst in my opinion, "God saw your beautiful child and took him/her to be in His garden forever" Yes, I was given a card with that sentiment. It wasn't malicious. It is Hallmark's way of trying to comfort someone in the worst days of their life and I had some choice words for God choosing to take MY beautiful baby.
One thing that needs to change is we, as a society, need to learn to talk about pregnancy/infant loss. For the grieving parent (or sibling, grandparent, aunt/uncle) this is the overwhelming thing in their life. We society don't want to acknowledge pregnancy/infant loss, I think, because it could very well have been us who had the miscarriage, the stillbirth, the baby that only lived a few hours or days or months. It's scary and uncomfortable!
But, think about the parents who are living this fear. They want to talk about their child but they know it will make you uncomfortable and/or make you cry. They don't want you to cry. So, they don't talk and they keep it inside.
I'm not saying we celebrate the loss of a pregnancy, the death of a newborn or infant. But, it needs to be okay to talk about it. To let the parents know it's okay to mourn and mourn for however long it takes and not rush them to "get over it" (That's another blog post. LOL)
Another thing that needs to change is support people need to know it's okay to not say anything and to just sit with the grieving parent. Be the hand they grip. Be the kleenex box holder. Be the shoulder to cry on. It's also okay to say "I'm sorry" and to only say that.
I see us as a society of fixers. We don't want people to be sad so, we try to think of things to say to make the sadness stop. Grief, though, is a lifetime journey. Yes, there are 4 or 5 stages to work through. But, they don't have a set time to endure before going to the next stage.
My daughter, Meghann, died 25 years ago and would be 26 in December. I cried last night about losing her. I didn't cry on her anniversary in May. Just a random night in October. Grief lasts a lifetime.
The lady I met last night told me she offered to watch her friend's little boys one night so she could have time to herself. Her friend (the one who had the stillbirth) said, "You mean I can just lie in bed and stare at the walls??"
Sometimes, that's what a grieving parent needs. Time to just sit without household chores or other family obligations.
I have zero followers on this blog LOL so, I don't know how to go about putting these changes into motion. Perhaps, someone on facebook will read this and remember it if they have a friend who has to begin this journey. Maybe they will be the one to make the change and it will snowball.
I hope so
